apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
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its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
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How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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