he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
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She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
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Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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