This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
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I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
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We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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