just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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