I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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