my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Life is so much better after having sex.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
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