Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
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He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
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I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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