You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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