I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
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