Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
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Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
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I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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