the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
