I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
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You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
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being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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