whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize