I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
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i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
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how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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