My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize