he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
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i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
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Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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