i wish my penis had a tongue
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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