you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
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i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
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I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize