i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize