Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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