when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
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You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
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God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
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