the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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