we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize