I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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