Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
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the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
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The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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