I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I pour the whiskey from now on
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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