paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
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I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
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Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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