About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
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There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
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This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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