I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
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I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
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Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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