we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
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Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
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my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
They have beer where we have blood.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
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