Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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