I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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