Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
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I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
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your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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