Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize