Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
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Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
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If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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