the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
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You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
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I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
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