I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
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You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
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And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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