I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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