Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
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I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
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The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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