Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
When are your genitals available?
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