I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize