I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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