dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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