I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Randomize