Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
my liver is dry heaving
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
