remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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