why didn't you poke me back
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
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