dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
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you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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