Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I just found a bag of teeth...
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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