i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
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They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
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Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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